This week, the CLE team shared our thoughts on the Do’s and Don’t’s of conflict resolution. Check out our thoughts on conflict resolution and feel free to comment with yours!
My biggest tip in conflict resolution is to visualize the Karpman Drama Triangle (Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer). Practice recognizing whether you are playing the role of a victim, persecutor or rescuer. When resolving conflict, take the time to fix yourself instead of trying to diagnose, assess, or critique your neighbor. Orient yourself to
the principle of responsibility. Instead of begin a victim, simply express what YOU are feeling in the moment. Instead of giving in to your urge to persecute and attack your neighbor, choose to express what is true for YOU about YOU in the moment. Don’t take their inventory—get clear and responsible with what you are thinking and feeling in the moment. Instead of rescuing, consider your neighbor as whole and complete—able to take care of themselves. They don’t need your comfort, coaching or advice. Conflict resolution should be about focusing on YOU and expressing as responsibly as you can what you are feeling in the moment and what you want or need.
- Rich Blue, MA, LCPC – Clinical Director
When I’m in conflict resolution with someone the first thing that runs through my mind is how badly can I get back at this person. Then I stop and internally remind myself that this is someone that I care deeply for and that my end goal is to draw closer to them. Once I’m able to center myself I choose to stay engaged with the other person until we are both satisfied with our reconnection.
- Gabriela Cantu
The single biggest thing to remember in conflict resolution is to be absolutely clear about what it is that you want to communicate.
The single biggest thing to remember in trying to resolve any conflict is to be absolutely clear about what it is that you want to communicate, and what it is that you want the resolution to look like once you are done. Is the conflict with a friend or a loved one? How do you want the relationship to look after conflict resolution? Sometimes in conflict it’s also necessary to set boundaries around your personal space or feelings, to define how far you are willing to discuss something and what it is that you will and will not discuss.
Ultimately, healthy conflict resolution occurs when you are willing to say the thing that is the most vulnerable versus the most right. It may be right that the other person has hurt your feelings, but the more vulnerable thing to say would be how those hurt feelings are impacting the relationship. Being clear with yourself about the impact that the conflict is having on the relationship and being willing to vulnerably but confidently say so is one of the most vital parts of resolving conflict because it gets to what is going on under the surface. Its rarely about the thing you’re arguing about, and more often about how that thing is impacting the relationship.
- Andrew Mercer
The art of conflict resolution is all about compromise. You must be willing to give a little to get a little.
- Michael Birch
Keep in mind conflict resolution is a lifelong process. Respond to it willingly and your skills will grow. One of the best ways to do this is use “When you _______, I feel _______” statements. Once you share your feelings with this type of statement – be quiet and listen to hear. If you are deciding how to answer while someone else is talking you are not listening to hear. You are in defense mode. Free yourself from defense and recognize as long as you remain responsible with your words, owning your actions, and holding others accountable for theirs in a responsible way you do not give away the power within.
- Rachel Meyer