Couples who come for marital counseling are often tired, discouraged and losing hope.
Their faces reflect their pain and they attempt to use words to express their upset. Often the pair will dive into some iteration of the interminable arguments they have suffered through like a painful and unshakable cough.
A familiar exchange focusing on the content goes something like this:
Wife: My husband is never home on time. He said he would be home at 6:30. Last night he didn’t get home until after 7:00.
Husband: That is totally not true. I took the 6:05 train and walked in the door at 6:49.
Wife: I know it was after 7:00 because I got a text from your son at 6:59 asking for a ride home and you weren’t here. Do you want to see it?
This couple is communicating at the content level. Content-based communication involves the head and is full of facts, opinions, and judgments. The style is similar to courtroom banter. This type of communicating is competitive; the person wants to be right and seeks to win. An individual is focused on making their point rather than listening to another’s point of view.
There is hope for connecting and understanding when a couple gets out of the courtroom and into the family room. We urge couples to temporarily suspend the content of their argument—the “facts” of the case. We ask them instead to look inward and see if they can express what they are feeling in the moment with their partner. Expressing feelings move communication from the head to the heart. We call this type of communication process-based. Process-based interaction is characterized by two things. First, it is feeling focused. We ask our clients to identify what they are feeling from seven primary feelings: Sad, Angry, Scared, Hurt, Happy, Excited, and Tender. Second, the goal is for each individual to identify and express their feelings in the here and now.
Time and time again, we find that couples who suspend content-based communication and focus first on expressing their feelings in the moment lay the groundwork for effective conflict resolution. Feelings are the language of the heart and serve as our guide to discovering our essential hunger and yearnings. Communication that focuses on our deeper longings is more likely to promote cooperation, compassion, and unity.
Tip: Notice and resist the urge to argue. Try something different. Instead, focus on what you are feeling in the moment. Ask yourself what you are feeling and what your deeper hunger is. Express it to your partner. For example, if you were feeling hurt you might want comfort. If you were feeling scared you might be yearning for safety and security. You could say, “I noticed I was feeling hurt and would like some connection with you.”
To schedule a couples session contact Dr. Rich: rich.blue@cle.us.com
Rich Blue, Ed.D., LCPC, NCC, BCPPC
Founder & Executive Director