After spending some years in traditional recovery circles, I began to feel as if there might be something missing. I had been doing the ‘work’ (going to meetings, meeting with a sponsor, working the ‘steps’, reading the literature, and doing service work). I had seen scores of other people do the ‘work’ as well. But still, I felt as if this was not enough. I still had anger issues and was living in reactivity. I felt scared most of the time and had a lot of hidden pain. I even entertained the notion I could return to active addiction and have my life be different this time around.
That thought didn’t stay around long. I needed more. But more of what? Turning it over to “the God of my understanding” was just not enough. Where did my responsibility lie? Was I experiencing growth as an individual? Yes. Was I expanding my knowledge of myself and of others? That also was true. So, what was missing?
For me, the missing element was being present. I had been ‘going through the motions’; doing all the right things, and living according to the guidelines set forth by 12-step recovery (taking a daily inventory, turning my will over, making amends, etc.) But I was unaware of what I was feeling.
I thought if I worked the steps thoroughly enough, all would be well. Don’t get me wrong, my life had improved exponentially. I achieved things I could only previously dream about. I was going places and doing things I thought could never be done. I experienced freedom from active addiction. Yet I still had this nagging emptiness inside; a hunger to be seen and affirmed; to connect with another human being on the deepest level. And then I got introduced to a different way of living. It’s called consciousness.
Certainly, there has to be more to it than this right? I mean…consciousness? Really? What does that mean? You see me breathing here, right? You see me moving around and talking to people, no? And if I am not conscious, then what the heck is going on here anyway?
What I was not in touch with, was what I was feeling in the moment. I was unaware of my anxiety, which led to smoking more. I didn’t realize that my fear kept me out of relationship with others. I didn’t recognize that my hurt fueled my anger. All of these feelings were essentially getting in the way of me living my most magnificent life…that is, as long as I was unaware of them.
I began to practice being in touch with my feelings. I could see that my life was about to take a dramatic turn for the better. My feelings might actually provide me with some answers. I understood my feelings connected me; to my past hurts, my unfinished business, getting my yearnings met, being present in the moment, and stretching and growing like never before. I understood that my feelings are information only…they let me know what’s really going on inside—if I pay attention to them. I learned that my feelings inform me of what I need. I learned they are my friend. My feelings help me live in the moment, addressing concerns as they come up, instead of allowing them to fester.
Now when I get angry, I look at what is really going on. When I am hurt, I can explore where the hurt comes from. When I am afraid, I notice.
Michael Birch, M.A., LPC
michael.birch@cle.us.com
217-493-6833